Not the Rapp

Editor’s Note: This article is an April Fool’s Day parody. Not a word of it is true.

Inn adds drive-through

The Inn at Little Washington announced this week that it had added a 24-hour drive-through service, tentatively called “EsCarGo,” that would allow its sophisticated and urbane dinner guests to sample the Inn’s renowned menu without leaving the comfort of their Infiniti sedans.

“People of every social status are in a hurry these days,” drive-through steward Skip McLane told our reporter during the take-out operation’s “soft launch” this week (during which Inn marketing director Ronald Rapprochement dressed up in a Statue of Liberty costume and danced at curbside, waving clients into the drive-through lane with his “torches”).

“Still,” McLane said, “that’s no reason our customers shouldn’t have their croissants in baby oyster sauce with chicken-flan fricassee over a beluga biscuit. Excuse me a moment — sir, you want shitakes with that?”

Rappnet verbiage tax

The Rappahannock County Board of Supervisors has passed a measure that would tax needless verbosity by participants on Rappnet, the county’s email list-serve. The new law specifically exempts those Rappnet correspondents who manage to come to the point (provided they have one) in fewer than 100 words per day, and/or those who actually cite . . . well, facts.

The per-word tax takes effect only after the 100-word daily limit is reached — or, in penalty mode, if a specific post to the electronic bulletin board causes more than 30 percent of users to hit their Delete keys hard enough to knock the entire keyboard off the desk.

Officially known as the Gas Tax, the levy would be assessed monthly and allows a convenient, non-interpersonal payment option through PayPal.

The Supervisors estimated that the revenue from the new tax would allow the county to replace the high school’s troubled heating system with a state-of-the-art nuclear/geothermal/wind-powered system within a year, and then build a new $32 million Redskins training facility in Amissville by 2012.

Census scandal

Federal agents arrested the regional Census Bureau official in charge of Rappahannock County’s every-decade count last week and charged him with falsifying census records.

An FBI spokesman said Piedmont District Assistant Manager Vernon Wormer had substituted the results of Rappahannock’s 1980 census for both the 1990 and 2000 counts. “We’re just surprised that no one noticed until now,” said the spokesman, who noted that evidence showed Wormer planned to do the same in 2010, “only he was going to change a couple of little numbers here and there.”

“It’s not my fault, it was those doggone Census temps,” Wormer said in a prepared statement released by his attorney. “We had 10 field agents one year. One of them was a little iffy to begin with, then three of them went out and we never heard from them again, and the other six drove out to homes in Rappahannock County and wound up agreeing to work for the property owners in exchange for a room or cottage. What could I do?”

Lunch Bunch is homeless

The group of longtime Rappahannock funsters who for decades have been meeting weekly for lunch at various restaurants in the county announced this week that it was changing its name to the Brown-Bag Lunch Bunch.

“We were meeting at the Public House, and they closed, and then we were at ECow, and they closed, and Rae’s, and she closed, and now none of the surviving restaurants in the county will let us in,” said Bunch leader Rufous S. Towhee. “I think they think we’re bad luck or something.”

Towhee said the members of the Brown-Bag Bunch were scheduled to vote next week on which of two outdoor seating clusters, on Gay Street in Washington or Main Street in Sperryville, to designate as the group’s official Lunch . . . Bench.

New tourism ideas!

The county’s new Tourism Advisory Group, after an initial meeting and group balloon ride, has come up with several new ideas for promoting tourism in Rappahannock County. They include:

• Asking the Town of Washington to rename its new $4 million sewer system the “Love Canal,” and start sponsoring gondola tours led by current and former mayors and Town Council members who can carry both a tune and a paddle.

• Forming a coalition of county environmental groups with VDOT maintenance crews to keep “dirty snow” cleaner in the aftermath of winter storms. “Within a day or so after a storm, old snow hanging around on street corners and in parking lots starts to get covered with dirt and sand. It’s darned untidy,” said Rappahannock League for Environmental Conservation Protection Freedom Alliance (RLECPFA) president Lorna Doonesbury.

• Creating a corps of volunteers who, to help out during slow tourism periods, would be willing to drive into the city and pick potential visitors up, drive them out here and take them around to restaurants, antique shops or wineries, and then drive them home again later. “I don’t know why no one thought of this yet,” said Tourism Advisory Group chairman Wink Linkham, who claimed the idea came to him while standing too close to some old helium tanks before the balloon ride.

We’re all downstream

The federal government announced a new program of grants not only to help farmers fence their cattle out of rivers and streams in the Chesapeake watershed, but also to make it affordable for newspapers to fence both hidebound cattle farmers and tide-bound environmentalists out of the Letters to the Editor column — at least for a couple of weeks.

“Just kidding,” said the editor of this newspaper, pointing to today’s date on a nearby April calendar for the benefit of those who haven’t yet realized that nothing in this week’s The Rapp column is actually true. “We love letters, just as we love any indication whatsoever that people are, you know, actually reading the paper and caring about their community. Have a nice April Fool’s Day.”

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